


The way I am

by AvaDiablo



Series: Arashi fanfic exchanges [1]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Community: arashi_exchange, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Nino fanfic exchange, Search for sexual identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-16 09:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8097400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvaDiablo/pseuds/AvaDiablo
Summary: Nino has always been a bit troubled. His mom wants him to find a nice girlfriend when he grows up, but Nino doesn't seem to be interested in love at all. Let's follow Nino on a path of self discovery and see where it takes us!





	

**Just twelve and here you are**

The mom, who sat a few tables away from him, nodded as her son told her about the drawing he had just made. The shopping bags near her feet surrounding her chair indicated they had been on a shopping spree. The son indicated several things about his drawing and the woman absorbed every bit of information he provided. They joked and grinned to each other. The son with the longish hair had a gentle smile and his eyes beamed as he looked up to his mum. It was a feeling Nino shared, as he watched them interact, swinging his feet underneath his chair and sipping his chilled chocolate shake. 

The small coffee shop near the station was a home away from home to Nino. He came here hiding from school life, hiding from his personal life. Here it was as if nothing else mattered. And it was here he had seen the boy and his mum for the first time. They came ever so often and seemed totally devoted to each other. In the beginning it had made Nino feel envious; he missed that kind of attention from his mum. He knew why she worked so hard, to the point she was hardly home, but that didn't make it any easier. He wished he could trade her to the one Satoshi had. He had overheard them numerous times and learned their names by heart. The Ohno family. Satoshi probably didn't know how lucky he was having his mom by his side like that.

But Nino knew. He had watched them as he sat alone enjoying his cold drink. The envy had long since dissipated. It had been substituted for a longing to be part of their family; the attention, the laughter, the feeling of being loved. It wasn't that he wasn't loved, but what he got at home was nothing like what Satoshi seemed to receive out in public. He seemed to really glow from all the praise, while Nino... Nino couldn't remember the last time he beamed from something his mom had said about him or done for him. So, Nino beamed when there was a new game out, when he finally had beaten the highest levels of it, or when his favourite manga series had a new continuation, or even when there was a day he wasn't bullied at school - which sadly weren’t too many.

"Would you like another?" The question was posed by a woman with greying hair and a friendly smile. Her eyes conveyed her kindness. She could be his grandmother, she just was that old. And she was also the owner of the coffee house he frequented. He smiled at her and shook his head. His couldn't really afford another one with his allowance that he just spend on the new game he looked forward to playing. The woman smiled back at him, came a little closer as she whispered: "What if I told you it was on the house?"  
Nino looked a bit incredulous and then sceptical. He wasn't offered free stuff all that much and it was in his experience there were usually very nasty strings attached to such offers, so he shook his head again. The woman shrugged and walked away again.

Nino glanced back to the Ohno's, to notice the piercing look he received from the boy. He was older than Nino was, and if Nino had overheard things correctly, he was part of Johnny's Entertainment. He was doing stage plays in Kyoto. Nino thought it was rather stupid to do stage plays - who in their right minds would ever go to see something like that? It seemed boring to him. As he pondered the thought of acting in a play, the door to the shop slammed open, sending the doorbell into a ringing frenzy, and a boy came bustling in - a blast of smiles and energy as he yelled his 'I'm home' greeting throughout the shop. He ran behind the counter and jumped nearly on the owner while receiving ‘nice to have you back’ from the customers. 

"Masaki-kun! You nearly startled me a heart attack!" The words sounded fond instead of chastising and the buy just smiled broadly hugging her in his enthusiasm.  
"I'm home," he clarified happily once more.  
"Welcome back, sweetness," the owner said, pressing a soft kiss on top of his head. 

Nino watched the exchange from his seat. Must be nice to belong to a tight family, he mused sipping the last of his chocolate shake, diverting his eyes before he was caught staring. Ohno and his mum were leaving, he noticed. His mom paid the bill while Satoshi stood a little awkward with all the bags in his hands near their table. Their eyes crossed each other and Nino felt inclined to make some sort of gesture, though he didn't know what. But that was before Aiba hugged him from the side, wrapping him up in his embrace whispering 'I'm home' in his ear. Nino shoved him aside.

"Baka! I already saw that you are home. Heck the whole shop knows you're home!" Aiba just smiled radiantly and unfazed as he took the seat beside him and moved close enough that Nino actually felt a little crowded.  
"Don't be mean, Nino. I brought gifts!" Aiba presented him with another chocolate shake and Nino immediately sought for Aiba's grandmother who pointedly looked away. Nino huffed, but swapped his empty glass for the full one. Aiba hummed contently.  
"How was school?" he inquired knowing Nino had a hard time there. Nino shrugged and kept quiet. Aiba briefly looked at him before looking away.  
"Yours?" Nino asked, with half the interest he should have had.  
"Same old," his friend said which didn’t sound any better. 

Nino and Aiba had bonded a little less than a year ago over chocolate shakes he couldn’t afford. He wanted to sneak away without paying when Masaki, who had been standing at Satoshi’s table to watch him draw, had stopped him and alerted his grandmother.

When she had made him do the dishes to compensate all the shakes he drank Aiba had come around to help him and they started talking about the latest manga and anime. It didn’t take long to figure out the two were similar and at the same time very different from each other. 

Where Aiba was very shy, Nino could be very brash, but where Nino lacked the courage to do something, Aiba would be the one to pull them through. They both had a tough time in their respective schools. Nino didn’t talk much about it in the beginning and Aiba thought he was very popular at his and didn’t want to mention it because Aiba had no real friends. He didn’t know how much he was wrong when Nino came one day with scratches and bruises on his face. 

It marked the day they argued for the first time (because friends tell each other everything and Nino was keeping this a secret) and it markes one of the few days Nino would ever let his guard down enough to cry out of desperation when Aiba wasn’t backing down until he had uncovered the whole truth. It marked the first day where Aiba had truly hugged someone he cared about - other than his family - and cried with them. It was the first day Nino had ever received such a hug from anyone other than his mom. In short, it marked the day that they truly became best friends and each other’s strength.

**Barely fifteen; How am I supposed to react to you now?**

"I will ask if you can stay over!" Aiba jumped up and dashed out of his room before Nino could even stop him. They still had time for Nino to catch the last train. And even if Nino enjoyed Aiba's company more than anything, he didn't really want to spend the night. He didn't want a repeat of a few weeks ago, where he had heard Aiba moan his name in his sleep. He knew Aiba talked in his sleep on occasion - he had heard his fair amount of it - but that was really pushing it. He really wanted to tease Aiba with it and he would have if it had been any other name than his. And even though Aiba remained and was just Aiba, all the touching and closeness came with a new meaning to it, without Nino wanting it to. 

Sighing Nino ran out of Aiba's room to stop him, just to see Aiba slip and slide down the wooden staircase as some blue, furry, stuffed bear on it's back. Just a few steps from the floor Aiba's fall came to a stop. There was a full second of silence before Nino's best friend started sobbing and his grandparents came to see what the fuss was about. By that time, Nino had already made his way down trying to console his friend as best as he could. 

After that things became very dramatic. Aiba needed to strip so his grandmother could survey the damage and rub Aiba’s wounds with some lotion she had on hand. Nino missed his last train and needed to call his mom. Aiba sobbed most of the part and Nino didn’t know what to do but take the lecture of the grandfather about playing on the stairs to heart - even if they hadn’t been playing up there at all. Aiba threw him apologetic glances and Nino shrugged in return.

...

"It burns," Aiba whispers, "It hurts so badly." He was lying on his bed, topless, letting the air and his grandma's ointment do their work. "Nino, are you a sleep?" Nino groaned slightly.  
"How can anyone be asleep with your whining," he muttered in the same hushed tone Aiba used.  
"Help me get rid of whatever she put on my back. It stings like a troop of fire ants. Please, Nino."  
"Will you stop complaining if I help?" Nino turned on his futon to put the light on on the small bedstand; a little Totoro image lit up on the ceiling. It was childish, but Aiba was fond of it - and it was one of the few things he didn't allow Nino to make a mockery off, even if Nino was the one who got it for his birthday two years ago. Nino had become quite fond of it himself, but he would die first before admitting that to anyone. "How do you want to get rid of it? Can't you just go take a shower?"

"I'm hurting all over and you want me to walk around? That's pretty heartless, Nino!"  
"You made me miss my train! My mom is angry with me because you fell down the stairs!"  
"I didn't do it on purpose!"  
There was a small bit of electricity burning between them as they stared at each other; Nino on his knees on his spare futon and Aiba still lying on his stomach on his bed. Nino sighed, turning his gaze elsewhere. "So how do you want me to help?"  
"Wash it off my back, I don't know, just get it off. The itching and pain is driving me insane. Do something! Please Nino!"

Nino got up. He was only wearing underwear and an oversized yellow t-shirt with a faded image of Vegeta on it. He found his way very quietly into the family bathroom where he drenched a wash cloth and took a towel back with him to the bedroom. Out of some spite, but more out of humour he just dropped the cold wet cloth on Aiba's back, who shivered on impact and cast Nino a condemning look. Nino smirked and shrugged, like he was saying 'What? It's your own fault, baka.' But as he viewed Aiba's red and angry looking skin he got some doubts. How was he supposed to -

"Hurry up," Aiba hissed, his voice strained. And so, without thinking about it, Nino climbed on top of Aiba and started gently washing the ointment from his friend. Aiba cursed a few times when Nino's movement caused him pain, silent complaints followed them, muffled some more into the pillow. Nino kept moving his cloth. Up and down few times, turning it, using the other side. Aiba became quieter with every stroke, but Nino didn't quite noticed it. He was too busy noticing how his hands tended to Aiba's sore skin, how the muscles played under his administrations, how he turned warm from touching him, how his breath became more shallow and quicker. After a while he wasn't just washing the ointment away - by all accounts it was gone or very much diluted - Nino was just tracing imaginary patterns on Aiba's back, using the whole as his canvas. It wasn't just the cloth rubbing over Aiba's skin, Nino let the fingers of his other hand dance along it. He had gently and quite covertly pushed part of Aiba's slacks down to bare a little more skin, the onset of his behind. It wasn't until he innocently brushed his fingers against the exposed skin there and rubbed them accidentally against his crotch which gave him quite the shock of realisation he was getting hard sitting on top of his friend.

He stilled in his actions, confused, feeling a bead of sweat drip down his spine as he sat up straight, frowning. While he pondered what was happening, Aiba leaned up. Nino didn't know what his intention was, but in a panic immediately pushed him down again, with both hands on his shoulders. In doing so, Nino automatically leaned forward, making contact between Aiba's ass and the part of his body which was so much harder than it was supposed to be. Nino bit his lip, not wanting to voice out the sudden electricity that shot through him, but it was Aiba who moaned; even if it was smothered halve into the pillow he could clearly hear it. Nino forgot to breathe for a few seconds, staying in that position out of shock before he hastily let go and got of the bed. He practically ran to the bathroom, locked it and stared at the door as if he couldn't trust the lock, feeling terrified Aiba would come after him.

He took a moment to catch his breath, noticing how fast his heart was racing. He turned around a few times, not knowing what to do or how to respond to this weird feeling that had him riled up. He was hard, and he looked miserably at the tent in his underwear. How the hell did this happen? He couldn't wrap his mind around it. Wasn't this suppose to happen with a girl? How did this happen with a guy? With his best friend even? Nino’s mind kept throwing questions at him without providing an answer. And between all the chaos growing inside his head, which forced him to sit down on the bathtub's edge and hold it tight, it somehow began to dawn on him that Masaki had reacted to his stupid action. It became quiet in his mind for just a moment to let it sink in. He could still hear it; the soft sound muffled in the pillow. What was probably worse was that the memory still played around his haywire thoughts and his body reacted to it. His body reacted all on it's own to the sound of his best friend's murmur. It left him shocked be he couldn’t find the answer to the question of why.

Nino returned to the bedroom. He didn’t know how much time had passed, how long he had been hiding in the bedroom. He felt reluctant to go back to the bedroom, but he couldn’t very well spend the night in the bathroom, could he? The lights were off, Aiba was still in bed, pretty much as Nino had left him when he ran out. He looked like he was sound asleep, but even the relative safety did nothing good for Nino's heart rate which spiked up. And after he had gone through so much trouble of getting it to slow down in the solitude of the bathroom walls. He blamed everything on the quiet in the room, the tension of not wanting to wake Aiba up. 

His battle plan for the night was to sleep and get the hell out first thing in the morning to sort out whatever was going on with him. He still couldn't make heads nor tails of it and it scared him as much as it worried him. But without the proper answers he was going stir crazy.

He lay underneath the covers, deep enough to almost disappear, leaving just a small bit of blanket open so he could get the much needed air without suffocating to death. He breathed quietly, willing his respiration to sound normal, willing his heart to slow the heck down again and let the peacefulness within the room drift him to sleep. His brain however was overactive, his ears tuned into every freaking sound it picked up and his body was so tense with everything it actually began to hurt - Nino knew he was facing a rough night.

"Are you okay?"  
Nino's heart stopped, just a fraction of a second, before slamming in all its might against his ribs. His brain short-circuited preventing him from answering on the spot, as it repeated that 'holy fuck, Aiba's still awake' mantra. He tried to breathe, but emotions suddenly seemed to rush up, preventing him to sound normal so he didn't say anything because he couldn’t trust his voice. 

Aiba didn't follow up on his question. The emotions were draining Nino rapidly, throwing him into a restless sleep after half an hour of lying still, pretending he was already asleep. Halve way through the night he woke up; startled and alarmed that something was wrong. The weird dream he was having was still hazy before his mind's eye.

"Are you awake?" Aiba's voice sounded through the mist of sleep, closer to him than it should. Nino couldn't tell what was wrong, not with his mind spinning in circles between dreaming, waking and tripping alarms. He became more and more aware that he was lying curled up against his best friend, with his fist clenched around the fabric of Aiba's sleeping shirt. He uncurled his fingers slowly, backing off a little, and it dawned on him the state his body was in. The shock turned to embarrassment, turned to mortification.

Nino was lying on Aiba's arm, a leg between Aiba's, Nino's lower body pressed against his hip; there was no way Aiba could have missed the reaction in Nino's body. With Nino's movement to pull away, Aiba's arm came up to reach his shoulder and slit over to curl his fingers in Nino's strands of hair. Aiba didn't push him back, since Nino sought space, but he didn't let him escape all the easy either. They stared at each other for a moment until Nino looked away, not liking the intensity he found in the eyes of his friend. It was too confrontational. Aiba was too caring. And Nino too confused - again. He didn't like this feeling. It made him question so many things. It made him question a huge part of himself, and he didn't know if the answers would tumble his already shaky self worth. He questioned their friendship and if it would -

"Are you okay?" Aiba repeated the question when he first had come back from the bathroom. Suddenly Aiba sounded years older, but Nino doubted if his friend was that much more wiser.  
"I don't want to talk," Nino said after a small moment of silence. His voice sounded reluctant.  
"I didn’t ask if you wanted to talk. I just want to know what’s going on with you." For some reason Nino couldn’t explain Aiba seemed very conscious of what was going on. 

"I don't know what you are thinking right now in this moment, or before when we were on my bed, but I think I know the extent of it. Are you ... Is this the first time you ..." Aiba sought for the words, but Nino shook his head in pure embarrassment that Aiba even wanted to ask, or worse assumed he didn’t have an erection before.  
"Of course not, idiot," Nino almost spat out on the spot. Aiba didn’t looked convinced.  
"I mean with a guy." To that Nino stayed quiet, pretty sure the quick fluster would speak for itself, convinced that even in the relative darkness Aiba could see it. His friend didn't reach out nor touched him any further than the fingers touching the base of his neck.

“You shouldn’t be afraid,” Nino heard his friend say, “I won’t do anything…” It felt like Aiba wanted to say more but didn’t know how to finish his sentence. “You can lie back if you want, I don’t mind.” Nino could barely hear him over the blood rushing sound in his ears. 

“Why?” the question was out there before he really knew it, “Why don’t you mind? This is weird, right? Shouldn’t you be running for the door? For all accounts, I might be gay! Doesn’t that terrify you?” Because it terrified the hell out of him. He couldn’t be gay! He shouldn’t be gay. His mom would have a heart attack if she found out. He was suppose to marry a nice girl. Not some guy and live a creepy lifestyle and risk alienating everyone. Granted, the only one he could possibly alienate would be Aiba, who was looking very, very, calm considering what was going on.

“Terrified? Of you?” The question hung in the air and Aiba seemed to look genuinely surprised by what Nino was saying. “Should it matter if you are into guys instead of girls?” Nino was floored by the fact that Aiba was taking this all in with good spirits. They were fifteen, okay, Aiba almost sixteen, but that still didn’t warrant the fact that he was all okay with this. Because if the situation was reversed, Nino couldn’t say for sure if he could stay as calm and grounded as Aiba was right now. Maybe not, but Aiba was definitely weirding him out right now.

“How can you say that? Why don't you mind? I’d be running for the door if you were me.” Aiba smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.  
“Really? You’d leave me alone after I would tell you something like that? So, if I were to tell you that I like both guys and girls you’d be running away from me?”He paused and Nino just stayed where he was, frowning confused.  
“Well, would you? I don't see you running.” No, but that was just because Nino was no sure how to take that. Was he serious? And when -

“I found out some time ago. That time I was really depressed, remember?” Yes, Nino did remember. He had tried really hard to cheer his friend up, and they just ended up having arguments - pretty bad ones in such a way that Nino was afraid of losing the only close friend he had.  
“I didn’t want to tell you because I was having such a hard time dealing. Somewhere along the line I had a talk with my grandma and she told me the same things I’m telling you. It shouldn’t and doesn’t matter if you are anything, because you will still be you.”  
“You like guys?” Nino asked stupidly to which Aiba nodded. “And girls,” he added, “So, I do know a little about how you are feeling.” Nino pulled out of Aiba’s reach and sat up, his arms crossing his knees in a protective way and he measured Aiba’s words for their truth.

“How do you know you like guys you’re never -” His mind stopped functioning. They only guy he had ever seen Aiba with was him or Satoshi. And the whole moaning his name thing was -  
“Are you into me?” It seemed so far fetched, the words even tasting sour and he couldn’t keep the trace of contempt out of his voice.  
“I’m not judging you, why are you judging me?” Good question.  
“I’m not,” Nino lied, frowning, feeling everything he took for granted crumble away.  
“You are! I’m no different than you! Judge yourself before you judge me!” 

It was that moment they both seemed to realise that that was the problem. Aiba who had been leaning on his arms during their little argument flopped down on his back again.  
“It can just be a thing, you know. You don’t have to be gay just because it happened to you just this once. But maybe if you can accept it from me, you can deal with it easier yourself. Besides, you’ve got me to talk to, so you are not on your own. Or you can go talk to my grandmother, I’m sure -  
“If you breathe one word to her about this, I swear, I will kill you in your sleep.”

They both grinned after that. Sleep was weird that night. Nino made Aiba sleep in his own bed, even if it was all wet from the water that Nino had spilled on his back. Nino tossed and turned for the better part of an hour and against his better judgement he gave up trying and let his curiosity take over as he went to lie in Aiba’s bed - which indeed was wet. He tentatively touched Aiba’s side and let his finger slide gently down to his stomach as he laid closer. Those fingers were met with Aiba’s waiting hand who laced them together and just held it, pulling Nino closer than he actually had wanted to. Nino felt warm, his heart was beating so hard. His body felt sweaty and wanting. It was reacting to Aiba’s heat, his scent and just like that his mind seemed to board with what his body was discovering.

He pressed kisses between his shoulderblades and reveled in the sudden stiffness he found in his best friend. He was daring something he hadn’t been thinking ever about. How could he have? But this was all new, uncharted, and he dared - because this was Aiba, who wasn’t just anyone - he was he best friend, who understood something he didn’t understand himself. And in the quiet of night, the solitude of Aiba’s room he was venturing something which was undoubtedly going to have an impact on his self worth and the way he viewed himself. But this was not what he was thinking about right now. Nothing matter right now, except him touching and tasting Aiba’s skin against his lips. He could hear Aiba’s breath hitch, feel how he could adjust to what Nino was doing. Nino wanted to know if Aiba was as affected as he was feeling in this moment, wanted to know more then he probably should. 

“Masaki?” He whispered his name even though it was pretty clear he wasn’t sleeping. Maybe he didn’t want to wake the grandparents, or maybe he didn’t want to voice out loud what he was going to ask.  
“Just sleep, Kazu.” Even under Nino’s touch, Aiba’s voice had a sleepy almost dreamy note to it.  
“Can I ask you something?”  
“Hm?”  
Nino stayed silent after that thinking it over.

“Have you ever kissed someone?” Aiba moved to lie on his back and frowned up at Nino who was leaning slightly above him, resting his weight on his arms before sitting up creating some distance between them. The position seemed almost too intimate for comfort. Aiba sat up too after wondering about where Nino was going with his question.

“You know I have kissed girls before,” he answered truthfully, but Nino didn’t know if he was getting what he actually meant. Maybe he had kissed Ohno before and didn’t want to tell him. Maybe… - To shut his nagging brain up he just blurted out what he wanted to know.  
“I meant guys.” But he couldn’t look him in the eyes, clarifying that. It took a while for Aiba to respond and in that time Nino couldn’t help but to look back at him to see if he had inadvertently crossed any lines. He was very much afraid that being the case.

Aiba how ever was smiling in a soft way as if he was thinking about cute little baby animals. It was the kind of smile that had Nino wondering if his friend was imagining them kissing in that moment. Maybe he was thinking of Satoshi instead, Nino’s mind told him, adding to the growing unrest that began settling in the pit of his stomach. This was stupid, he shouldn’t have asked. He just sat up straight and cradled his knees within his arms, making Aiba snap out of whatever he was thinking to eye Nino by the movement.

There seemed to be a whole lot that Aiba wanted to convey but at a loss for something to clever to say. The only thing crossing his lips, the growing blush aside, was a soft “I haven’t.”. 

Nino’s heart had been slamming nonstop this entire time and he was wondering his it would get to the point it would just stop from exhaustion.  
“Do - do you want to try?” Great, nice and romantic, his brain chastised, to which Nino began to wonder if guy were ever romantic together. Where they? Apart from a occasional yaoi/yuri that crossed his path, he had never stopped to think about that. Guys together was just weird, apart from the comic book fiction. But then again, how did one explain what was going on here?

“Do you?” Aiba returned the question. Nino shrugged shyly but swallowed whatever reservation his mind threw his way and leaned in closer. It was just worth it to see Aiba’s eyes grow wide in shock.  
“Have you ever kissed anyone?” his best friend asked him, staring at his mouth.  
“No, you’ll be my first.” Nino grinned at what his mom had once told him, “My mom always said to find someone with experience.”  
Aiba smiled at that, the weirdness a little shattered.  
“Grandma says that the best kisses are slow ones,” Aiba hovered close to Nino’s face but didn’t cross the last bit into Nino’s space.  
“You’re grandma should teach you it’s impolite to keep people waiting.”

There were smiles, gentle ones. In hindsight Nino couldn’t tell who bridged the last few centimeters. He could just remember the feel of his best friend’s lips on his; their taste, their warmth, how they seemed perfectly suited to put him at ease and at the same time put him on edge. The way Aiba kissed, even if Nino had no comparison, was something he loved right from the start. There was no pressure, nor haste. It was a perfect first kiss and somewhere Nino felt a tiny bit of envy he couldn’t be Aiba’s first kiss - even if he was the first guy Aiba had kissed.

The gentle exploration of each other’s mouths grew as minutes seemed to pass. Nino was the first to touch; his fingers running up Aiba’s arm, clutching in his shirt as he pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. The more Nino pulled, the more Aiba leaned into him, losing their balance as they tumbled on the bed; Nino underneath. Aiba broke the kiss for a second, just to stare down at him. Nino just pulled him closer again, letting his friend cover his body with his. Now his hands ran up Aiba’s shoulders, one curled between the strands of his hair and one running over Aiba’s back, pressing the bodies together.

It all happened fast, faster than it ought to be. But it felt right, it felt good to lose control, it even felt safe. Because in the end there was no one he trusted more than his best friend. Aiba moved, rubbing himself against Nino, their hard shafts grinding in his movement, the friction sending Nino to the stars. He bit his lip and arched his back a little, huffed contently barely able to control himself with the sensation. But was Aiba who made the low clingy noise, hiding his face in the crook of Nino’s neck, sounding strangely strangled as he moved again and became completely quiet, except for his breathing and pounding heart, which Nino could feel against his chest.

It took a moment for Nino to realise what had happened; Aiba had come. And in the mess of sensations he couldn’t pinpoint how he felt about it. On the one hand it was funny - Aiba becoming undone by kissing and just a few movements, on the other hand he was disappointed in how it all seem over now and he was left hanging. Was he supposed to -

“I’m sorry,” came Aiba’s soft hitching voice, interrupting his mind spin. Nino shrugged having no experience with these kind of situations - not that Aiba had any either, but what else was he supposed to do? Get angry because he didn’t get the chance to finish also?

“It’s okay,” Nino said trying to leave the disappointment out of his voice and failing the moment the words crossed his lips. If Aiba missed his tone of voice he certainly couldn’t miss the expression on his friend’s face.  
“Is it?” questioned Aiba, the inexperience becoming all the more clear since he didn’t know what to do now either.  
“Let’s just go to sleep.” Nino wanted to turn, more likely to turn away from his friend and face the misery on his own faking that he actually wanted to get some sleep - his mind was still processing and getting overloaded. But with Aiba’s hand on his chest, stopping him, he couldn’t really go anywhere.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Well what else do you want to do?” Nino sounded irritated, “Blow me?” There was a pause. The weirdness of it being said in their situation. The change in the expression of Aiba’s eyes.  
“I can try if you want.”

Holy heck…. What?  
Nino was at a loss to how to respond to that, but he couldn’t control the instant beating of his heart. So he just nodded, weirded out, curious as to what Aiba would do now. Surely he was just kidding, right? But as Aiba returned to kiss his lips he was less sure, but unable to stop him. The whole notion of it all, the feelings that seem to cause a constant overload had made him aching hard and harder still as Aiba continued to kiss and pull Nino’s shirt up to kiss and lick the skin of his chest.

“Are you sure you know what you are doing?” There was a hum from around his abdomen and he could feel a smile appear on Aiba’s lips against his burning flesh.  
“I’ve seen girls do it in movies; how hard can it be?” 

His underwear got tugged down and Nino was becoming beyond restless. And there was a sudden panicky voice yelling in his brain that not only was this hugely wrong - a voice he quickly tried to ignore - but it also yelled that he might do what Aiba did; come fast and without warning. He wanted to say something, but every thing he wanted to voice died on his lips when he felt Aiba’s tongue run over his hardened member.

It felt soft, his tongue. The reaction felt like electricity, making a mess of his already erratic breath as he clutched the sheet below him with both hands, not wanting to come on the spot. The moan escaping him made him feel embarrassed; it sounded vulgar and wanting, not to mention way to loud in the silence of Aiba’s room.

He didn’t last; the second Aiba closed his lips around the head of Nino’s hard cock, the sensation was too much. Nino came on the spot and shot his load right into Aiba’s mouth, who was pretty shocked by the unexpectedness of it all, making choking noises as he quickly let go. He heaved and spat out what he still had in his mouth on Nino’s stomach.

“Aw shit, Nino, that’s … oh my god, yuk!”

But Aiba was not one to turn down experiments, and whatever started that night grew into something precious in the course of a year. Sex entered the equation, which took quite some figuring out with questions as to who would top, and how the heck was it supposed to be fun and pleasurable when it hurt so much? Between moments of pain and arguments on the subject; there were more moments of laughter and weird attempts to get to know each other’s bodies in new and exciting ways. In short, they had fun discovering this side of them, even if they didn’t define their relationship as dating or going steady; it was just a natural part of their friendship. 

Whereas it was known that Aiba was Bisexual and sometimes just acted on that notion; Nino couldn’t face up to the possibility that he could be in fact gay. He tried to ignore it and after getting into a huge fight with Aiba over it, they both decided to leave that be for the time being - they were young after all and Aiba was sure Nino would come around and accept it for what it was.

**Just seventeen; Because it’s your fault it happened at all**

It was their secret, theirs alone. There were hidden touches and glances. But they were careful - they had to be. Nino was sure Aiba went along with hiding it just for his sake alone. If it was Aiba’s call he would’ve yelled it from the rooftops. He would’ve thrown a party to celebrate their one year anniversary of being intimate. 

But Nino was still not sure this was what was right. His mom told him time and time again that he entered the age to find a nice girl. Surely there were nice girls at his school, or at his college. But he didn’t find the girls there to his liking, nor did his interest in guys leaped exponentially after being with Aiba for so long.

But maybe it was just because he had Aiba that he didn’t feel the need to go out and broaden his horizon. Aiba still saw girls on the side, just because he found them fun to be with. He was growing in his self awareness, his self esteem; but never once did he feel like he was losing Aiba to someone else. And he trusted the fact that Aiba was his.

They met at Nino’s house just as often as they were at Aiba’s. But at Nino’s the rules went out the window. Nino’s mom was usually at work and not home till very late. Nino’s sister was nowhere to be found - and as they had the whole house to themselves there was no need to be as quiet as they had to be at Aiba’s where his grandparents were at home pretty much all the time.

The coffeeshop still remained their favourite hang out where they enjoyed their hot chocolate, cold shakes and sweets. And it was at a rainy, but sunny afternoon that Aiba’s grandmother came to sit with them on a slow day at the shop and ask them about their school projects and choices. They were heading in opposite directions; Aiba was off to do learn Zoo-ology and Nino had found there was something else he loved besides gaming and Aiba - making music. So he was joining the very few who got accepted into the Conservatorium. 

Nino remembered that day as no other. The simple, but covered smile Aiba casted him as they talked about their possible futures.  
“Can I ask something?” Aiba’s grandmother asked sipping her coffee and coming right to the point of her inquiry, “Are you guys dating?”

The shock of the question first registered on Aiba; Nino could see his mouth drop open and visually got a lot paler before looking from his gran to Nino. Nino, however, was not so much shocked as that he felt betrayed. Because how could Aiba grandmother have known, if Aiba hadn’t said anything. So he must have said something! 

“I’m not trying to pry or anything, I was just wondering,” the grandmother told them. Even if she was smiling sweetly, Nino could feel nothing but deceit coming from the both of them. “I know where Aiba’s interest lie,” she said patting Aiba’s hand who quickly redrew it staring between the two of them, “I was just wondering about you, Nino-kun. Are you like Masaki, or just interested in guys?”  
“Grandmother!” Aiba finally blurted out a little too loud, “You can’t ask that. Especially here!”  
“I can’t believe you told her,” Nino said in a normal tone, spiked with hurt around the edges.  
“I didn’t!” came the reply. Aiba looked legitimately hurt that Nino would think he’d talk when he had promised he wouldn’t. Surly Nino would know him better than that?

“You did! How else does she know?”  
“How should I know? I didn’t tell her! I didn’t tell her anything!”  
The grandma looked confused and clearly began to think she shouldn’t have asked seeing the drama unfold before her eyes.  
“I don’t believe this! I don’t believe you. I trusted you!”  
“Nino! I didn’t tell her!”

But Nino didn’t listen, not even when Aiba’s grandmother began to apologize and tell him Aiba hadn’t told her anything he seemed so upset about. He just grabbed his things and stormed out.  
He wasn’t even passed the shop when Aiba caught hold of his arm and wouldn’t let go no matter how much he janked it back.  
“Let go, Aiba!”  
“No!! Not until you listen. I don’t know how she found out, Nino. You have to believe me. I’d rather die than talk to her about it. I promised I wouldn’t. I didn’t! Why can’t you believe me?”

“She practically called me gay! I cannot be gay. I refuse to be gay!”  
“Then what are you if not gay?” Aiba yelled letting go of Nino, “If you are not into guys, not into girls - then what are you into?”

I’m into you. But the words stayed where they were inside his mind, where he locked most of his inner thoughts. But he couldn’t face them, not yet.  
“Nino…” Aiba tried again, reaching out. Nino backed away and turned around.  
“Leave me alone!” he just gave back before taking off running.

**Eighteen isn't easy without you**

As it happens so often between friends who have fallen out with each other and haven’t seen each other in a while - both hurt in their own ways - and unable to reach out a helping hand to the other; they stopped seeing each other all together and talked less and less. Though Nino knew he was mostly to blame for it. Aiba called, even went to his house almost every day. But after a while he just received one phone call. Unlike the previous calls this one did not result in a voicemail - and that was the end of it.

Aiba took up his apprenticeship at the local zoo and continued his zoo-ology studies, while Nino did what he knew how to do best - pour his heart out in his music. He entered the Conservatorium to learn as much as he could about piano and guitars. He made and composed musical pieces before devoting himself to songwriting and creating a name for himself.

He didn’t go out much, despite his rising fame. And it wasn’t for the lack of people trying to get him to go out. He’d rather stay home, play his instruments, write the lyrics and words he held so close to his heart. Because it all triggered memories of his days with Aiba. Days he couldn’t forget, days he longed for to have again. But as time ticked by it became impossible to apologize for any of it. As time ticked by the distance became bigger and the hurdle too much to bear. So he tried to forget. Buried himself in the music, his gaming and only came out for food or classes.

But much as he tried he couldn’t forget his past, he couldn’t forget his best friend; Nino still believed Aiba was, even if he had been a dick to him. He was after all the only one in the world who had accepted Nino for who he was. During his time at the Conservatorium he met a girl named Shae, who was so unlike anyone he had ever met he couldn’t help but feel intrigued by her. She called herself a goth slash Wiccan; some kind of nature witch. Her black clothes, dark but colourful make-up, her long black hair she’d do in a ‘weird hairstyle of the day’ - it drove people away. She was tall and wore combat boots, making her tower above most of their peers. But she had a friendly smile which reminded him of Aiba’s. He took that as the reason why he felt he could be friends with her.

She questioned his motives at first, but soon warmed up to him and his weird gaming habits, because he was as weird as she was, though also complete opposites. But they had lots of same interests, music being a true love to both of them.  
Where Nino brought forth heart breaking songs about true love that wasn’t meant to be, Shae brought forth music that was dark and deep, with lyrics that dealt with losing people you love in the most permanent way; death.

Nino brought Shae home a couple of times much to the delight of his mom who praised him on finding a girl - finally. She didn’t let show she was concerned about the influence this weird girl could have on him. Nino brought her for the sheer joy of seeing the hidden glances his mom threw them, the clear doubt in his choice of women. Shae introduced him to her family as her as her fellow student and nothing more. Shae’s family seemed way normal in comparison to how she was; there was no gothiness inside any where. 

As it turned out when they got to know eachother better and better, Shae had two more friends she hardly spoke about, just as much as Nino hardly mentioned Aiba Masaki to her. They were the huge driving influences in their lives, their motivation for creating their music. But whereas Nino kept pining for the one he couldn’t have, Shae was so deeply invested in her friends she couldn’t get rid of them.

One of the reasons was that one of them was Sakurai Sho who was their senior and also dorm leader, though he called himself ‘manager’. Sho was someone who seemed to take on everything he wanted and excel in it - as long as it required study. He wasn’t much of a creationist, but just drew for the fun of it to make his friends laugh - and friends he had. He was popular, had a degree in Economics and minored in Journalism before coming here and excelling playing the piano forte. 

Other than his accomplishments Nino couldn’t really see why Shae was so hung up about with this guy. Sure he could play, and talk like he was so much better than them. But it took him a great deal to figure out that even with Sakurai Sho things weren’t all that it seemed to be. Sho came from a rich family, but that didn’t mean he got things for free. He had expectations to fulfill. He carried out those expectations in public for sure, but once on his own, he was nerdy and laughed at nearly everything he found funny. He acted the fool and caused weird little situation to amuse himself. His reputation was already set, his future most probably locked - that’s why he was here at their school and campus; to get as much freedom as he possibly could get away with for the time being.

He also was in this open relationship that reminded him of the one he had shared with Aiba. But whereas Nino and Aiba had done things very much in private, Sho took his boyfriend and practically dry humped him very much so in public, and it was even worse at his dorm room. They weren’t quiet. They didn’t care who heard it. And they weren’t all that exclusive either - and this was where Shae came in. The boyfriend was none other than aspiring Model Matsumoto Jun who was really making a fast name for himself into fashion industry.

She had gotten her self mixed up with the two of them, and fell for Sho quite hard, who in return let her know there was no real chance of them ever - seeing as her upbringing didn’t go with his parents plan. And even though he had been brutally honest with her, she didn’t back off and thus came it to the point they were using each other for some weird reason. Though Shae’s reasons were clear, he couldn’t figure out why Sho let her in so easily only to end up hurting her all over again by turning her down.

But he could see the addiction to the whole situation in Shae’s eyes. And every time it happened, she’d turn in one master piece of music after the next. Nino didn’t know if he should be concerned or jealous - it didn’t seem healthy. But so was his way of not going out and stay home as much as humanly possible.

The day came to pass that Shae had had a particularly rough fight with Sho and she ended up making dinner for Nino at her room. She was beyond crying at that point and beyond speaking. He kept watching her, determined to give Sho a piece of his mind (again) as Shae prepped the meal. She looked feverish with deep blushes on his cheeks, she didn’t wear her make-up today, her long hair was dragged into a ponytail which had lopsided. 

She had served the dish and sat down opposite nino at the table, took her chopsticks and asked bluntly without watching him: “Are you gay?” Nino blinked at the sudden question, totally blindsided.  
“What? No! Why do you ask?” Shae watched him now as she chewed.  
“You haven’t made a single pass at me. I was wondering. Sho said…” she paused at that, “Sho said that I turned guys off and that no one will ever love me as I am now.”

“How does that relate to me being gay?” shae blinked at his tone of voice which was strained.  
“Because you haven’t once touched me inappropriately, ever. And if I really turn you off you wouldn’t have stuck around as long as you have been.”  
“Sho is an idiot, you know that? You are one for believing him. You always go through this, and come three weeks later you are all over him again, not to mention sharing him with his boyfriend. Are you so high on him that you can’t see this self destructive path you are on?”  
“This isn’t the same, Nino. He made a lot of sense.”  
“You say that every time! How is this any different?”

“Is this what happened between you and Aiba? Did you get upset for him calling you gay? Is that what you are afraid of? Of being called gay? Or are you afraid of being gay?” Nino stood up from the table anger written all over his face.  
“Why are you doing this? Are you so hellbend on your fixation on Sho that you need to drag everyone down into this hellhole you have created for yourself? What does it matter if I’m not touching you? There is still some thing like respect for your friends, but maybe that’s wasted on you. I don’t need to be gay to respect certain rules! If you rather believe Sho over me than go ahead! Nice friend you turned out to be.” 

Nino left. Painfully aware that this happened once before. He felt tears burn, tears he hadn’t shed then, but over the years he had cried a great deal over his mistake. And now he was doing it all over again.  
“Nino!” It was as if history repeated itself, it was as if he saw for just a flash of a second Aiba, grabbing a hold of him. But it wasn’t Aiba, it was Shae getting him to stand still. And he wished he was back in that spot. He wasn’t gay! But he’d be a damn fool if he let Aiba get away from him again. He would prove he wasn’t gay!

He grabbed Shae and pulled her towards him. He would kiss her and she’d know he wasn’t gay - they both would know.  
“Nino, no…!”  
He crushed their mouths together, forced her to open up by grabbing her jaw and kissed her like she ought to be kissed. Shae struggled in his hold, broke free and slapped him hard in his face before deciding punching him against his nose was a better punishment.

“You asshole!” was the only she called out to him before making a run for it. And that was the second time Nino felt he was sure he didn’t deserve friends - one way or the other he kept screwing them up.

The following morning he sat in the Auditorium enjoying what was left of his breakfast, listening to the demo he had put together last night, when out of nowhere a tray fell on to his table and Shae sat down. He stared at her, pulling the headset off. Before he could say anything she held up her hand to stop him, demanding his attention in one go.  
“You look like hell, this morning. Rough night?” Her voice sounded teasing before she got to business, “I’ve got three rules in order for us to remain friends.” She let it sink in, watching the slight bruise her fist had made on the bridge of his nose. Even his cheek seemed a little reddish after her slap. Nino didn’t respond other than a nod and waited for her to continue while munching on a leftover crust of his bread.

“One; we will never speak of what happened last night. You kissed me, I hit you - we’re square there. I just need you to tell me one thing and than we just pretend that it never happened.”  
“Okay,” Nino agreed, cautiously to what she wanted to know.  
“Did you feel anything when you kissed me? Anything at all?” Nino smiled at her inquiry and shook his head. He had wondered about that too last night.  
“No, nothing. Sorry.”

Shae shrugged continuing, “Two; we need to be honest with each other and accept that honesty for what it is - to keep us out of trouble. So, from now on I’ve decided that you might be looking out more for me than the others. So, I’ve decided to tell you why I am so hung up on Sho that I can’t break free. Mind you, if you ever breath anything of this to anyone I will hunt you down to the end of the world and push you over the edge into the abyss of space. And I won’t lose any sleep over your demise. Got it?”

Nino grinned and nodded. “Agreed.”  
“Fine. Last rule. You’ve got to tell me the honest truth about you and the whole gay thing. I know you’ve never really talked about this Aiba Masaki friend of yours. But as I am going to tell you my story - can you tell me yours? I really want to help you out. After all, friends are supportive of each other, right?”  
Now the smile faltered and Nino lost interest in the bits he was eating. He had never told a living soul what kept him up at night, what kept him writing his heart breaking songs. Not his mom, not his sister - he had kept it all to himself; to now tell anyone about it was a scary prospect, but to lose Shae might be scarier still if he didn’t agree. He felt the loss of Aiba on a daily basis; he wondered what Aiba was up to, if the animals in the zoo would behave or just took advantage of the kindhearted guy. He often dreamed of his friend covered and surrounded by furry baby animals.

“I … Okay then,” Nino agreed to the last rule. Shae smiled.  
“Rest at ease, we are not going to talk about it here and now. I wouldn’t do that to anyone. The wall have ears you know.” Nino smiled, still feeling on edge.  
“So we’re friends again?” he questioned just to make sure.  
“Were we ever anything else?” she smiled. The sunshine broke through in her eyes, the shyish smile as she sipped her coffee looking back at him across the brim of her cup.  
So much like Aiba, it hurt.

 **All the wrong choices at twenty; why am I even here?**

Of all the places one could end up at Nino ended up with Shae living in Sho’s apartment; it had all the appearance of a penthouse, though he swore Sho swore up and down that it was just a regular apartment. He wasn’t kidding anyone - seeing their upbringing both Nino and Shae knew what a regular apartment looked like.

Together with the four of them they could easily afford the rent. Sho’s boyfriend Jun, who was sometimes more away than actually at home, had risen to stardom, not only doing the runways, but starring in dramas as well. Sho excelled at playing piano and sometimes was just book for the sheer joy of hearing the well known newscaster play. Sho grew in his role quite fast. Shae and Nino often collaborated on the songwriting front and had done pretty well too, both as a duo as apart. It was easy to get into eachother’s flow knowing each other so intimately. 

There talk so many years ago had set them both a little free. Often they sought comfort near each other. To hang out in relative quietness, knowing the other understood without using words. Nino had opened up, even if it had been difficult, about his relationship with Aiba and used the word love for the first time in his life. He struggled to get through the part of explaining why he didn’t see himself as gay or Bisexual or anything. He didn’t feel those needs with anyone as he had felt them Aiba. He told her about the determination to get him off his mind, but also told her about the dreams, the nightmares, the lack of sleep, and how he used that as his inspiration to write.  
And as Shae had listened, he had fallen into tears against her, crying about the mistake he had made by running away, and how he had been terrified he had lost her too.

In return Shae had told him about how she was pressuring herself to be the best in everything, how she became obsessed with beating Sho who seemed to excel so easily - how she was tricked into taking drugs to cope with the stress and the addiction to drugs it had let to. Her fixation with Sho running into constant fights - even physical ones, and how Sho had been there to help her get clean once he had learned what was going on.  
He was her lifeline, one she couldn’t live without; her replacement addiction. 

Sho kept her close because he cared, but needed to break free ever so often - because it was freedom he craved in this world more than anything else.

Nino became apart of their weird little world of openness too easily. He couldn’t remember quite how he had rolled into it, but he couldn’t figure out how he could leave it behind. He felt accepted for who he was. 

His mother didn’t speak to him anymore after he had gone off to live with them. She had read in the papers who Sho was, and who he was all associated with. Shae was a bad influence for the get go, she had told him. And in the he had chosen his friends over his family.

He let himself be dragged to parties, drunk too much, sometimes even did drugs. Because he could, there were no rules, this was the freedom he enjoyed. Shae was usually the one watching over him. In the beginning he had lost all control as it often went in the entertainment industry. It was easy to get your hands on anything you wanted. And Jun took them anywhere they wanted to go as he went to parties all over the globe.

It had been those nights where things and rules established between them went out the window. There was hand holding, kissing, groping between all four of them. They would wake up in some random hotel bed far away from home. Shae would always lie against him when he woke up, clinging to his body, both protective and possessive. But they never spoke of those nights. They didn’t exist in the normal everyday world.

In honesty Nino began wavering about his sexuality, even if Shae told him it was drugs doing it to him, since he couldn’t ‘get it up’ normal wise. But sometimes there were kisses. Slow kisses, he enjoyed, whether it was with Sho, Jun or Shae after a drink or two. He was never drunk then, but he could enjoy it, still nothing ever happened physically. It was confusing. To say the least.

The years flew by and one night he found Shae asleep on the couch, tucked in with a blanket, dark blushes on her cheeks, sweat on her forehead. Sho or Jun, if he was home, had left a glass with medicines on the coffee table. She had been coming down with something, so whatever was bugging her was now in full effect running rampage through her body. The laptop was left open, there were music scores and crossed out lyrics all over the floor; she probably had been working until she couldn’t keep her eyes open.  
The laptop was opened on the renewal of a coffee shop two years ago. The story read that the owner had passed away shortly after a fire had broken out and that it had taken quite some time to get the shop restored. If it was any old news Nino would have closed the lid, but it wasn’t. How Shae had come across it he didn’t know. Was she checking up on Aiba? She promised she wouldn’t. But … There had been a fire? Aiba’s gran had died? Was he okay?

His heart pounded as he went through the article, sought on Shae’s laptop more information about Aiba’s grandmother, the fire. He’d better be alright! He better not have died in that fire. The sadness of missing out on that part of trouble in Aiba’s life turned into the guilt he had buried many years ago. And it hurt how strong it still was, maybe even stronger now.

“You should go, you know,” Jun’s voice sounded coming into the living room with some food, “Shae came across it when we were looking for a place to have dinner next week. To celebrate your tenth collaboration.” Nino just stared in dumbfounded confusion. Jun smiled apologetic. “Shae freaked out when she saw the link. But we were curious.”

Nino stared back to the screen, not sure how much he should believe about the story, but unable to process it because he mind was racing through all the possibilities that could have happened to his Aiba Masaki.

 

**Twenty three and you’re still the same**

The coffee shop looked the same, really. But inside it was completely new. More space to be seated, the kitchen in the back was new. The scent of both coffee and bread hung in the air. He was greeted by a busy guy behind the counter with a friendly smile asking for his order. For a moment Nino was floored as he gazed upon the guy for a moment before ordering a hot chocolate. 

Nino recognised the guy. The eyes. Ohno Satoshi. It as surprisingly shocking to find him here, where he had first met the guy with his mum. But he didn’t want to come across as weird or eage to know as he sat down at a table almost hidden away in the corner just to oversee the whole shop and it’s owner.

He wondered if Aiba was still working here After all the article had been a few years old. He felt Ohno’s eyes on him and he pointedly ignored it, like he didn’t want to be recognised. He was pouting a little without wanting too. He sighed inwardly as Ohno served him his drink at the table, but more than a little ‘here you go’ Nino didn’t receive.

And if Ohno had recognised him, or know about him and Aiba, Nino knew he must be equally curious as to why he was here. If things were reversed, he’d be all over Ohno to find out why he had treated Aiba the way he had. 

The chocolate didn’t taste quite like he remembered. It wasn’t the same as years ago when Aiba’s mom had served it. It felt like he was kind of disappointed in it, like he was disappointed of finding Ohno here and hugely disappointed Aiba wasn’t here. Was he supposed to ask?

His resolve faltered little by little as he watched Ohno work and serve bread with the coffee; a treat Nino had declined. Hesaw Ohno sneak little bites of a treat behind the counter. It was cute to see a grown man do such a thing. 

The door opened with a loud slam and a bundle of energy stormed in, sailing around the seated customers and hugging a startled Ohno in all happiness. Ohno seemed to allow it, good natured with a smile when he realised it was Aiba who had surprised him. He put an hand on the arm Aiba had wrapped around him as he visibly leaned into him.

Looking at them prove to be too much. Because it made him feel worse. Who was he to come in here anyway to disturb Aiba in his happiness? He felt a sour taste mix in his mouth with the hot chocolate.

He downed what was left in one go and put the cash for the chocolate on the table. He left without a word or second glance. On his way to the station his mind started spinning, it was attacking whatever resolve was left and smashed it to bits. What had he expected anyway? That Aiba would be lonely? That he would be waiting for him? (Like he had waited for him?) After what he had done, wasn’t it within Aiba’s rights to find himself happiness?

His mind wouldn’t leave him alone even if he ran - that was pointless. There is no way you can outrun your own mind or the horrors it would tell you. By the time Nino reach the station he had himself convinced that this was probably the worst thing he had ever done - except when he had ran out on Aiba and his grandmother. That stood still strong on the first place of the list of terrible things. 

Just as he reached the top of the stair with one step to go he heard his name. His full name, at that, yelled in over some distance in a strained and exhausted tone. Looking over his shoulder thinking he had imagined it he saw Aiba coming to halt. He grabbed the railing to the stairs with both hand and tried to catch his breath. 

He wore his coffee shop apron and probably had just begun his shift when Ohno had probably told him about him. Nino had known there was no way the guy hadn’t recognised him. Aiba looked good, all flushed from the exercise and sweating breaking out. He fixed Nino with a glance that wasn’t as foreboding as Nino had expected.

“You’re just leaving like that?” spat Aiba, still panting, sounding disbelieving as he looked up at him. Nino nodded at that, a bit confused as to why Aiba was here.  
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” He smiled a bit as he said it to which Nino ventured a little one of his own.  
“Yeah, I’ve been told repeatedly lately.” 

Aiba came up as Nino turned away to see his train rolling in at the little platform which functioned as a station.  
“My train-” Nino started to see Aiba coming up.  
“You’re actually going again? Even when I came all the here to see you? When you came all this way to see me?” Nino looked away missing the pain in Aiba’s eyes on purpose.  
“It was a mistake coming here, I realise that now.”  
“Why? We are friends, are we not?” The question was surprising Nino to such a degree he was silenced for a minute. “Friends fall in and out of contact all the time,” Aiba continued, “A lot happened in the maintime. I’m glad you came back.”

“Are we still friends, Aiba-san?”  
“Well, not if you don’t drop the prefix behind my name. Come on, let’s sit down for a minute. I haven’t see you in forever.” Aiba grabbed him by the wrist as he had always done in the past and dragged him to an uncomfortable looking iron bench on the platform. His train would leave in about twenty minutes. Nino wondered if he could convey anything in that time he wanted to say before coming here. Would he really be able to pour his heart out and truly tell Aiba he was sorry for something that had happened so long ago? Did Aiba even remember that? Did he even know how much it still plagued Nino?

“I’ve always considered you a friend, Nino. You’ve never been anything less than my best friend.” Nino couldn’t look at Aiba after that. He had tried to completely erase Aiba from his mind, and he had failed trying to do so. It was cruel of Aiba to tell he still considered them best friends.  
“So why did you come back here? Checking up on your old friend, huh?” At this Nino should have just nodded, but he couldn’t even do that.

“Aiba-chan,” his voice sounded strangely soft unlike it used to be. He didn’t know how to finish his sentence and he was suddenly pulled into a tight hug. Aiba’s arms wrapped around him and Nino was pressed close to his body. His face landed in the crook of his neck, the skin still a bit sticky from aiba’s run to catch up to him. 

“Did something happen Nino? Is that why you are here?” The concern almost brought Nino to the brink of apologizing - almost making him teary eyed.  
“I read about the fire at the shop only yesterday evening.” It revealed so many things, that one sentence. It said that nino hadn’t checked up on him for ages, it said Nino wasn’t considering him a friend. It said Aiba hadn’t mattered to him for the longest of times.

“Only yesterday,” Aiba murmured and hugged Nino impossibly tighter, “And now you are here to see me.” The thing that drove Nino to hug back were these words and how Aiba seemed to pull the positive out of every negative he had ever thrown at the guy. He had missed it more than he had let on.

“Please say you’ll stay a while, Kazu-chan,” Aiba said softly, “I’ve missed you and I want to know what you’ve been up to all this time. I’ll drive you home if you miss your train. I’ll drive you home, period. Please stay.” How could he refuse? It’s better to refuse. Just apologise and get on the train.  
“I’ll stay.” Because I’ve missed you too. But he doesn’t say it out loud, too afraid how true these words were. Nino knew he wouldn’t get rid of the nagging voices anytime soon either as they were telling him this was such a bad idea to begin with.

The way to Aiba’s shop was awkward, for lack of a better word. Nino didn’t say much on the account of battling the inner turmoil, Aiba seemed cheery enough for the both of them, but apart from pointing out new buildings and differences between the past and now, he kept quiet as well. 

And if Nino thought they were heading for drink at the shop he had another thing coming when Aiba skipped up the stairs to the above situated apartment. He hadn’t been there in forever yet Aiba expected him to follow like he really was welcome there. Aiba turned around seeing Nino linger mid stairs.  
“Come on up. I’ll treat you to some real hot chocolate. Unless you found the one at the shop to your liking?”  
“It was different than what we used to drink, isn’t it.” Aiba smiled radiantly that he remembered. He showed Nino in. The whole layout of the house was changed. No more crowded genkan, there was a lot of open space with tatami mats, a sliding wall closing off the kitchen area, which was huge by all definitions. 

“We’ve remodeled as you can see. The living room is now upstairs, there are two bedrooms and a hobby area. Downstairs is all just for dining and cooking. We’ve installed the last part of the kitchen just a little over four months ago.” Nino nodded, the only thing hanging on to his brain was the word “We?”  
“Satoshi and I. We’re living here together.” 

That hurt. A lot. But what was he expecting? Really? That Aiba would have waited for him? Aiba’s smile was still the same sunny kind as he pointed to the dining table for him to sit down at. “The company who made the chocolate ran out of business a long time ago. I’ve made them sell me everything they had left,” Aiba laughed, “And I won’t serve it to anyone, except to people I love.”

There was futile hope flaring up. A hope he shouldn’t have. If Aiba was happy with his life right now, who was he to destroy it. He would do himself a great honor and Shae as well for not giving into desperation and begging Aiba to … To what? To leave all that he had going and come back to him? Really? Was he that petty? He should be grateful Aiba had a good support in Ohno Satoshi.

“What ever happened to your zoo-ology studies? Did you go?”  
“Of course.” Aiba’s answer came, though it sounded not as cheery as his usual conversational tone, “But gran fell ill, during my third year. By then my granddad had already passed away. So I left school and took up the work here.”

Aiba had stilled his chocolate making activities as he remembered that time. Nino knew he shouldn’t, but he was unable to stop himself. He went and hugged Aiba from behind, his arms around aiba’s torso, his face against his back.  
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”  
He felt Aiba suppress a sob and halfhearted laugh. ‘I survived just fine.”  
Nino knew he should let go, but he didn’t afraid Aiba would see the tears that threatened to spill. “I’m sorry I …” Nino didn’t know what to say to convey the turmoil inside his mind, “I’m just sorry - for everything.” 

Aiba closed his arms around Nino’s and held on for a moment before breaking their hold. He. sniffled a bit softly. “Idiot,” was all he said before continuing.  
“How did you do? Conservatorium, right? I read about you in the paper once or twice. Big shot music producer, right?”  
“Hardly,” Nino joked, “Just some lowlife songwriter. I’m doing okay.” Aiba laughed looking at him as he sat back down again. “That’s not what the paper had to say about you.”  
“I’m afraid to ask what your impression is of me after reading that. Hope you don’t believe what you read.”

Aiba shrugged. “Just that you’re more than a lowlife. And even if you were one, you’ll never be one in my eyes.” He returned to the table with the chocolate. There was a moment there when their eyes locked just for a second, before Nino looked away.  
“How can you even say that with a straight face? After what I did?” There was another shrug.  
“You were … having trouble with … what you were. We were young. Because I knew what I knew at that point in time about myself, didn’t mean you needed to have it figured out as well.” Aiba smiled reminiscently into his cup. “My grandma was sure you’d return. Even when she died, she told me how sorry she was for ruining what we had. She had faith you’d return.” The sad eyes with the half smile turned to Nino.

“And here you are.”

**Here you are, because you are you**

The news about his grandmother and what Aiba had told him hit hard. And he couldn’t even apologise for it. He expressed again how sorry he was for it, but Aiba swiped it of the table as it didn’t matter - it happened, it was the past and he was grateful Nino was here.  
“I can show you the rest of the house if you want. The Chocolate needs to cool of a bit anyway. We’ve made lots of changes. Come on.”

Aiba let the way to the renovated staircase, now facing the other direction and thus creating the space in the genkan. Upstairs seemed to be just as different to him as downstairs had been.  
“We’ve created two bedrooms, one master bathroom and a hobby room. I’m sleeping in my grandparents old bedroom.” He remembered Aiba’s room as messy with lingering clothes, just like his own. But it was neat, a basket of folded laundry sitting on the bed waiting to be put away. It looked way normal and homey. Aiba smiled as he took the basket and put it near the huge closet. He was wondering if Aiba was going to put it away while he watched.  
“Come on,” Aiba said walking out, grabbing Nino’s wrist as if he would run off somewhere else. He pulled him to where the old bedroom used to be. 

It now was a hobby chamber, with painting and drawing lying around. Not to mention the amount of fishing gear stalled in the back. There were drawings how ever that made him pause as he stared that them.  
“Is that … Is that Matsumoto Jun? The Model?” Aiba stared at a painting Nino was looking at.  
“Yeah. Satoshi is smitten with him at the moment. Says his features are beautiful, that the guy is beautiful inside and out.” Aiba rolled his eyes but smiled infatuated, “But that’s not what I wanted to show you.”

He walked to a closet and paused a moment before opening the doors and taking a step back so Nino could look at the amount of cds hiding there. There were a lot and Nino looked kind of confused. That was until he saw the titles.  
“It’s every song you wrote,” Aiba said clarifying, in a quiet tone like he was ashamed, “I even got a hold of the musicals you did at school.

“Are you kidding? Why?”  
“Because it’s you. It’s always been you.”  
Nino looked at the painting of Jun. “What your Ohno-san? Aren’t you guys together now?” Aiba’s embarrassment broke into a smile.  
“We’re roommates. We’re not together together. He helped me get back on track, so I gave him a place to stay. You thought we were together?

Nino stared and then smiled. “Are you together together with any one, then?”  
“Only one.” Nino’s smile faltered, but Aiba stepped closer. “We never really broke up in the first place. I’ve been waiting for him to find his way back to me.”  
Nino sighed.  
“What if I still don’t know which way I swing?”  
“Like that ever mattered to me in the first place,” Aiba said looking down on him and lowering his head to Nino’s, “All that matters is you being you,” sealing his words with a lingering kiss.


End file.
